Find a Place ‘Where Everybody Knows Your Name’

In a hilly neighborhood in northern Manhattan, there’s a beloved seating area at the top of a steep public staircase connecting the residential street above to Broadway, 110 steps below. Every afternoon, neighbors congregate here for a few hours to chat and catch up, regardless of the weather. It’s an open-air, informal venue, and a natural gathering spot.

This is a place where regulars exchange gossip, share stories, and offer advice. New moms show off their babies, friends on their way home from work stop to rest and talk, people bring their dogs, teens and young couples stroll by to say hi. Sometimes, someone even brings snacks or a pitcher of piña coladas to celebrate a birthday.

Here, everyone knows each other, and newcomers are welcomed like family. The group’s laughter often echoes all the way down the block. This seating area is a cherished “third place”—a social setting that’s neither home nor work.

Richard Kyte, a professor of Ethics at Viterbo University, believes these informal gathering places are vital for keeping communities vibrant.

In his book, “Finding Your Third Place: Building Happier Communities (and Making Great Friends Along the Way),” just released by Fulcrum Publishing, Kyte explores the development and social benefits of having third places in our neighborhoods where we can go to simply relax and get to know each other in real life.

He argues that friendly public spots —such as coffee shops, parks, libraries, barber shops, neighborhood bars, and community centers—are crucial for building social capital, which includes trust, engagement, and cooperation within communities. Kyte believes that such third places also help combat loneliness, reduce anxiety and depression, and foster a sense of belonging.

“We’re becoming less interdependent and that means we spend less time together,” Kyte explained recently on Wisconsin Public Radio. “We are fundamentally social animals. We have to spend time with other people in community in order to feel good about our lives.”

Kyte also cohosts the weekly podcast “The Ethical Life,” along with Scott Rada, where they talk about the intersection of ethics and modern life.

Q&A

I am intrigued by your statement, “We have to spend time with other people in community in order to feel good about our lives.” How does that work exactly?

We find from numerous studies that friendship is the key to happiness. Human beings simply cannot live fulfilling, satisfying lives without meaningful relationships. That doesn’t mean we have to spend all our time in the company of others, but we need to have social connections in order to belong, in order to be fully human.  

A lot of people today would tell you that because we work, learn, shop, and simply hang out online, aren’t we building totally new style, virtual communities there that connect us in more convenient ways?

To some extent that might be true. There are ways of using online tools to communicate with others, even to create and maintain relationships. But that is the exception, not the rule. For the most part, online tools allow us to be increasingly independent. We can shop, get directions, learn new recipes, get an education, be entertained, all without interacting in a meaningful way with other people. That is a new development in human history. In the past, just getting through each day required numerous social interactions, and those interactions formed the basis of relationships within communities. So, the overall effect of online tools is to erase communities, not build new ones.

Where did you grow up? What was the best thing about living there?

I grew up in Frazee, Minnesota, a town of about a thousand people in the northwestern part of the state. The best thing about it was having so many adults who felt a genuine responsibility for the well-being of the children in the community. I didn’t realize at the time what a gift that was, that so many doors were being opened to me by interactions with others. I’m talking about relatives, neighbors, teachers, shop owners, the folks who volunteered to teach Sunday school, be scouting leaders, host 4-H clubs, and everything else.

Many public libraries these days are aware of the need to provide inviting public gathering places – not just lecture halls and meeting rooms – but also beautifully designed sitting areas, art displays, and cafés – where people can share the communal space together but not actually interact. Similar to the “parallel play” concept of what kids often do. Is there social value in simply being together that way?

Absolutely. Social interaction cannot be forced. Simply being in the company of others makes us feel that we are part of a community, and it opens doors for more substantial interaction on other occasions.

Speaking of kids, you mention in your book that many school systems are curtailing or even eliminating recess, that unstructured play break in the middle of the school day, to make more time for learning. What’s the possible harm in doing that?

Children need a variety of different kinds of group involvement. They need the kinds of structured activities provided by sports, theater, band, or choir, because that’s how many of our most important social norms are passed on. But children also need unstructured play to help them learn how to read emotions, how to communicate, and how to resolve conflicts. Learning those things takes a great deal of time and practice, and without learning those things children will be hesitant to initiate conversations with others and have trouble managing difficult situations later in life.

Where is your favorite third place?

The gym at the university where I teach. I’ve been playing basketball there during the noon hour for the past 24 years. A close second is Kramer’s Bar and Grill, where I have breakfast with friends every Wednesday morning.

People are moving around and relocating more than ever now what with remote working giving us freedom to live anywhere in the world that we like. Maybe it’s a small town in the Midwest or a beach resort in Portugal, but a place where we may have no connections, no roots, or maybe don’t know the local customs or even the language. How do we go about finding a third place in a new town where we can try to connect and fit in with our new neighbors?

I think the key is showing up. Every community in the world is looking for people who can be useful. Of course, that requires patience and consistency, and sometimes well-established communities are wary of strangers who can be demanding or who over-promise and under-deliver. But there are usually opportunities to join a service organization or a church, to volunteer at a local library or school or nursing home. I’ve never known someone who was sincerely helpful who didn’t fit in somewhere.  

Would you ever want to open a corner bar or a neighborhood diner?

God forbid! I like the thought of that, but I know I would not be good at it. It takes a certain kind of personality to make others feel welcome, and it takes real ability to make such a place financially viable. I don’t have either the personality or the ability. I’m endlessly grateful to those who make such places available to people like me.

Header photo: Congenial regulars at their cherished third place, My Parents’ Basement, a combination comic book shop-taproom-pinball parlor in Avondale Estates, GA.

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